Pause. Evaluate. Decide. What I’ve learned about reactivity and how to stay grounded.

Employing the strategy "Pause. Evaluate. Decide." helps shift from emotional reactivity to thoughtful responsiveness.

With age, I’ve come to recognize something I didn’t always name: I’m a highly reactive person—someone who tends to respond quickly and emotionally to situations, often before taking time to fully process what’s happening. Sure, my friends, colleagues, and even family likely get the (at times adaptive, and others maladaptive) stoic façade—but I really feel my feelings. Whether it’s when I can’t influence my surroundings the way I want, when my kids are “acting a fool,” or when I’m losing at something I care about (yeah, I’m that guy), my ability to stay grounded takes a hit. That’s when I get critical and start “pinging"—moving 90 mph with very little direction. And let me tell you, awareness alone doesn’t equal transformation. I am very much a work in progress.

Put simply, reactivity is our automatic response to what’s happening around or within us—driven by emotions. We all have it in us. Maybe we eat when we’re bored or sad. Maybe we shut down when we’re afraid. Maybe we get sharp-tongued when we feel out of control. They’re a mix of biological impulses and learned patterns—strategies we’ve picked up to deal with our internal and external world.

I love having this conversation with people of all types, regardless of their emotional fluency. It gives us all a chance to reflect on how we behave when we’re uncomfortable, and what that means for the environments we’re trying to cultivate. For example, the guy who doesn’t think he’s emotional but is quick to anger when parenting may start to see that anger as an attempt to regain control when he feels overwhelmed. Or someone who experiences anxiety might notice that their over-functioning is actually a way to make chaos feel more manageable. That kind of insight is the first step in learning how to respond instead of react.

Over time—both in my personal life and in my work as a therapist—I’ve come to rely on three words that help interrupt the cycle:Pause. Evaluate. Decide.

Pause.

Maybe the simplest idea, but easily the hardest to do. The more space we create between a stimulus and our response, the better chance we have to respond in a way that aligns with who we want to be. The pause can be small: a deep breath, a short prayer, a label for what we’re feeling. Or it can be more intentional: stepping away, going for a walk, using your senses to take in your surroundings. The goal isn’t to avoid or suppress—but to settle our nervous system long enough to come back into alignment with our values.

Evaluate.

If this process is new to you, it might start with simply naming what you’re feeling. A lot of us don’t have a rich emotional vocabulary, and that’s okay. I’ve found Marc Brackett’s mood meter—measuring feelings along axes of energy and pleasantness—to be a helpful tool in developing that awareness. Once you identify how you feel, ask yourself why. Did a friend’s disagreement leave you feeling unsure or rejected? Is your irritation covering up a sense of inadequacy?

As this skill grows, evaluation becomes more layered. You might notice recurring triggers, patterns tied to your upbringing, or default coping strategies that no longer serve you. Gaining this insight isn’t about overanalyzing everything—it’s about seeing clearly enough to choose differently.

Decide.

Once we’re grounded and clear-eyed, we can decide how to respond. This is where the real power lies. Most of our reactions happen on autopilot, disconnected from our deeper values and intentions. But when we pause, evaluate, and then decide—we invite both our emotional and rational selves to the table. We begin to shift from a reactive state to a responsive one. And that, to me, is a picture of wholeness—mind, body, and soul moving in alignment through the very process of pausing, evaluating, and deciding.

This kind of inner work is not linear, and certainly not perfect. One day you might handle a stressful situation with grace, and the next day, find yourself reacting before you even realize what’s happening. It takes time, intention, and a lot of compassion. And sometimes, we need support.

If this journey feels overwhelming—or you’re not sure where to begin—don’t go it alone. There are thoughtful voices like Brené Brown, who speaks to wholehearted living; Marc Brackett’s Permission to Feel, which offers a practical guide to emotional awareness and literacy; and Henri Nouwen, a spiritual writer who invites honest introspection as part of a deep and compassionate faith journey. Resources by these thought and faith leaders can serve as companions in your process.

And if you find that your emotional habits feel especially ingrained—or if you're simply looking for a space to process and grow—therapy can be a meaningful and supportive place to do that. It’s not about being broken. It’s about being human, and giving yourself permission to evolve with care and intention.

Because the goal isn’t to eliminate reactivity altogether. It’s to recognize it, soften it, and respond with more intention, courage, and clarity.